What He Can Do
by Lysythe
Summary: A name can feel wrong, or right. Contains Yokoya as a female-to-male transsexual, written for lgbtfest.


It starts with a name.

Yokoya Noriko learns to write her name, 憲子, when she is three. She feels vaguely dissatisfied with her name; it seems just a little off. It reads wrong, it sounds wrong, and she writes it dozens of times, everywhere- her penmanship book, her desk, her furniture. Her mother scolds her and takes away her pencils, her crayons, and leaves her to play with her toys.

She goes to kindergarten at age five, and meets with other children of her age. Boys and girls. And she notices one difference- though both boys and girls can end their names with 'ko', only the boys put 'hi' before 'ko'. She asks her teacher why this is so, and receives a lesson in kanji. 子, 'ko' or 'child', is used only for girls, whereas 彦, 'hiko' or 'a talented man', is used only for boys.

Noriko practices both versions, 憲子 and 憲彦, over and over again, both in speech and in writing. Each time, she finds herself less displeased, less uncertain about the correctness of her name.

xxx

Noriko was never one for playing. Chasing and catching, hopscotch, dolls, ball games, these are not for her. The other children don't mind, don't even pry, because Noriko is unsettlingly grown up, unsettlingly _more_ than her shape belies.

The click and twisting of a multicoloured cube, the snapping into place of a puzzle piece. These fascinate the child more than any sport could. The teachers worry a little about her being alone, but they are called away by fights and fallen children, and eventually they forget.

Occasionally they do remember, and sometimes one or another chivvies Noriko out, away from picture books and puzzles, to play with the other children. Noriko doesn't like this, but plays along so she can escape once the teachers aren't looking. The other children merely play around her, rather than with her.

It's a rare thing, to be completely invisible, among all your peers. Noriko can only keep up her solitude for so long.

One day, when the summer sun beats down on everyone's backs, when the whining of the ceiling fans do little to ease the heat, when no one wants to go out and play, Noriko finds her solitude disturbed. With no ball to toss and no space to toss it in, nor space to chase and catch and hide and seek, the other children needs must find other pursuits.

So Noriko must play board games, dependant on luck and the roll of a die. It's not so bad, really. Noriko rarely competes against anyone. The problem is, she doesn't like losing. And she does lose. A lot. To be fair, it's because the odds are against her- she's but one of four (sometimes more) people playing. She doesn't throw tantrums, though. She keeps her cool.

Not everyone likes people who can keep their cool, though.

Noriko doesn't fend off the bullies when they come. She sits and takes the pinching, the hair-pulling, the skirt-tearing, crying silently.

And then, once they've left her alone, she smears her tears across her face, finds something sharp with which to cut herself- little cuts, nothing that heals too slowly- and then runs to find the teacher, wailing about the bullies.

Once she's in her room, her tormentors' punishments assured, she laughs. Not for long, and not loudly, but she's dealt with them, and she's won.

xxx

It's never been a big deal before, wearing trousers to school. The child has gradually stopped wearing skirts over time, and the grade school doesn't mind, since it has neither uniform nor dress code.

Yokoya Riku's firm has been doing well recently, and the Yokoyas' fortunes have been much blessed. So Yokoya Shinobu wishes to use this new fortune to send her beloved daughter to the best school they can afford.

The best school in their area is Maekizawa Girls' School (Junior High). The uniform entails a tunic, a neck ribbon, and a dress.

Their only child rebels, the first time they have ever known their beloved offspring to. No ribbons. No dress. No girls' school. And now, their child drops the bomb on them.

"From now on," she (_he_) says, "my name is Nori_hi_ko." He (_she_) repeats this statement, emphasizing the 'hi' again so there can be no mistake.

Shinobu is in denial. Her daughter cannot, _cannot,_ be doing this, saying this. No. No no no _no_.

Riku is torn. On the one hand, he believes that once one is born, their life is set. On the other, he has always wanted a son.

It will take time, he thinks. For now, he talks to Nori(hi)ko, settling at last on a less acclaimed, but equally prestigious (and most importantly, co-educational) school. He will register his child (son) as Yokoya Norihiko, gender M, and his child will not wear a skirt.

xxx

Puberty is not kind to Norihiko. He is of average height for his age and gender, which unfortunately translates into the rather big girl he might have been. Even more unfortunately, this proportionate bigness leads to, well, not exactly _large_, but bigger-than-small breasts. It's a new chore, to daily bind himself flat, and he can't change with the other boys anymore. He used to get by with a bare chest, and dawdling so everyone would be done showering before he entered, but now he's got to hide himself in the bathroom upstairs, and use deodorant instead, and suffer the teasing of those who wonder why he doesn't shower anymore.

His period begins in his second year. Thankfully, it is winter, and the uniform includes black pants, so the slight stain is not noticed. It is at this point that his insistence on hormone therapy and a sex-change operation is redoubled. His mother puts her foot down- she still harbours the hopes that her daughter will get over her 'tomboy phase'- but his father acquiesces. No surgery yet- he's still too young, his father says- but now there are regular visits to the doctor, and regular injections.

Near graduation, someone threatens him. She talks at him, talks about her boyfriend and how he knew Norihiko as Noriko in grade school, talks about what she'll do if Norihiko doesn't pay her something, buy her things, anything to keep his secret from coming out.

Norihiko asks her who her boyfriend was. Then he tells her to wait at such-and-such a place, at such-and-such a time, when he can settle on her payment.

The next day, she is not at school, and across town, one class in another school is also missing a person. Norihiko is not surprised. Rumours spread after that, that she and her boyfriend had gone joyriding, had stolen a car while drunk (which, perhaps incidentally or not, belonged to Yokoya's father's company), had crashed. The extent of their injuries is hotly debated.

Norihiko, meanwhile, merely smiles to himself. Another hurdle crossed.

xxx

His talk with his new high school's nurse doesn't go well. He'd made a deal with his middle school's nurse, so that she would examine him in private when it came time for the yearly physical. Unfortunately, this one is quite opposed to allowing him to attend as a boy. It takes a long talk with the principal, the nurse and his parents together. His mother remains resistant to his choices, but his father talks the principal into looking the other way, and the nurse likewise (with a large sum of money passing under the table).

Some weeks after, his mother says that if he insists on his 'phase' (for his mastectomy is scheduled at last for the seventh of the next month), then he must secure a succession. She wants a biological grandchild- no one from another branch of the Yokoyas, no adoptions. After Norihiko (after my daughter, she says), the company must remain in the family. Thus determined, she has privately assured herself that this will allow her child to remain her daughter for at least six more years; Noriko would never disrupt her education for something as petty as pregnancy.

Norihiko rolls his eyes and agrees. He makes an appointment soon after his mastectomy, to have his eggs removed and frozen. His mother had made no mention of his bearing the child himself, after all, and there is money enough to pay for surrogates and sperm donors. Later.

xxx

Sissy, uke, sure you're got a dick down there? They don't know how close they are with their words, so Norihiko grits his teeth, and resolves to give them as little ammunition as possible. He's not interested in sports, but now he joins in where he used to hang back before, runs and kicks and generally conveys enthusiasm for the game. It doesn't make up for much- he still takes his time so his classmates won't see his shamefully lacking genitals- but it gets them off his back.

There's always a bully in every class, and soon it looks like it will be the one sitting behind Norihiko. He does not relent even when the other guys have dropped their friendly jibes and ribbing. Norihiko is quite aware of the tension- he's dealt with bullies before- but none has targeted him so unsubtly. He predicts that violence will occur soon.

The photographer does his job well. Norihiko, despite swelling lip, bruised eye and broken rib, brushes off the violence. "I provoked him," he says, all innocence and virtue. "I didn't mean to." So while that bully has a light punishment, the next time he makes a move, out comes one photograph. There are more, he tells him, and copies are ready to go to the appropriate places should he make one blow. But if he follows Norihiko's every word, the photographs will be destroyed when he graduates from high school.

It works well. Very well.

xxx

He doesn't confess to his crushes, mostly. There was once a girl in middle school, who said yes to give the relationship a try, but they broke up after a few months because they just didn't mesh. Didn't get further than a few kisses, either, but he wouldn't have been comfortable with further physical progress anyway.

Somehow or other, one girl has gotten very attached to him. Perhaps it's money, perhaps status. He just lets her follow him, maybe kisses her once in a while, but he doesn't talk to her much. She's useful, just like his once-bully. He's got the students in the palm of his hand, and they don't know it.

He likes to play little games with them, just to see what happens. Once he sends his nominal girlfriend to spread rumours about an unpleasant teacher. Another time, his bully-slave plants evidence of drugs in an athlete's locker. Poking an anthill with a stick.

Unfortunately, the anthill pokes back.

It's by accident, pretty much. One guy walks in on him pulling on his pants after PE showers, sees the flat lack of bulge in his briefs, and he runs off before Norihiko can persuade him to keep a secret. The rumours spread slowly, but nonetheless surely. Norihiko considers his options. A counter-rumour goes out, about a teacher peeping at the girls' changing room, but people look askance at him still. Probably someone is going to ask him to show them his genitals, or he won't even get asked, just held down while his pants are tugged down. He finds himself shaking a little. No, they wouldn't. They wouldn't. He is being paranoid, he thinks.

Someone walks in just as he zips up in front of the urinal. He can feel the newcomer glancing at him as he washes his hands and leaves. It might save him, it might not. It's a gamble, but he'll try anything. Anything to make sure no one knows. That no one even suspects.

The rumours subside. They crop up from time to time, but everyone dismisses them, which is very much a relief.

xxx

So his maybe-girlfriend got pregnant. So what? It's not like they were that serious. Never got farther than a few kisses and above-the-waist touches. So she prefers some other guy. He doesn't mind.

So this: her parents are accusing him of being the father.

Their ludicrous claim is easily refuted, but it still jars him, to have other people, people who shouldn't need to, know. Sure, they're being paid to keep quiet (as opposed to being paid to cover the costs of raising a child, but at least they settled for less), but he would prefer that the real father was found, rather than having to explain why he could not have fathered her baby.

This has one upside: as long as everyone thinks he's the father, they don't doubt his masculinity anymore. It's ridiculous, yes, but it works.

And anyway, in two weeks time he'll have nothing more to worry about.

Officially he is transferring high schools. He was going to anyway; the whole debacle about her pregnancy is just a timely excuse. Actually, he is going for his final surgery. No one can find anything amiss with him now. Oh no. Absolutely not.

xxx

Once he is ready, he enters his new high school. He hears murmurs about him on the first day, and they sting like a bad memory: girly, sissy. He puts his hand in his pocket and reassures himself. They don't mean anything.

In no time at all, he has a hold on them. A better one than on his old high school, in fact. Then, he was a freshman, and no one takes freshmen particularly seriously. And also, there is the money. Why did he not realise before? Money is perfect for manipulation.

Money is the key to the human puzzle. It can do anything, even change someone from one gender to the other.

Yokoya Norihiko is satisfied, for now.

xxx

Author's note: This was written for lgbtfest on livejournal, for the prompt 'Yokoya Norihiko, He's had the best transition money can buy, but he still worries that he's not masculine enough to pass.'


End file.
